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May. 1st, 2008 12:40 amI hate queens. Which is weird, because I am one, and because they never used to bother me, but too much time around normal, straight (acting?) people and I realise how tawdry the whole thing is. The affected lisps, the femmy bravado, and the only-sometimes-fake sluttiness are just cheap and fake and sitting in this room with three or four of them is seriously making me a lot less afraid of celibacy.
I don't want sex, but I do want intimacy. I never want my arms to be empty, I want to have deep conversations and soul-searching friendships until I die, but the whole sex thing is just not worth the bother. So yeah, no children, no significant others, no booty calls to turn my mood around, but meh, I think I'm okay with this life for the first time in a long time. I repudiate all my loves but my weakest one, the Church, if I can still have real intimacy. Given that the alternative is just unrequited love after unrequited love, I suppose it's the better way.
I envy people who know what makes them happy and can achieve it. I used to think people like that were simply shallow and interested in superficial things, but I've come to realise that real desires and hungers can be satisfied even in the mortal world, and that people really do have attainable goals that will really please them. It must be nice, to be able to get what you want, or to want what you can get. As I look out on the precipice of a life without deep satisfaction or personal connection, I'm not afraid, but I'm not exactly excited by the prospects either.
I don't want sex, but I do want intimacy. I never want my arms to be empty, I want to have deep conversations and soul-searching friendships until I die, but the whole sex thing is just not worth the bother. So yeah, no children, no significant others, no booty calls to turn my mood around, but meh, I think I'm okay with this life for the first time in a long time. I repudiate all my loves but my weakest one, the Church, if I can still have real intimacy. Given that the alternative is just unrequited love after unrequited love, I suppose it's the better way.
I envy people who know what makes them happy and can achieve it. I used to think people like that were simply shallow and interested in superficial things, but I've come to realise that real desires and hungers can be satisfied even in the mortal world, and that people really do have attainable goals that will really please them. It must be nice, to be able to get what you want, or to want what you can get. As I look out on the precipice of a life without deep satisfaction or personal connection, I'm not afraid, but I'm not exactly excited by the prospects either.
