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May. 9th, 2007 12:54 amI've been thinking a lot about the nature of love and the nature of ministry, and how I might fit into the lives of the people I care about.
I realized what I had been missing in my life before this. There was a joy, and I know that for many of you who remember some of the things that happened this will sound perverse or insane, but it was Emily. Having a best friend - someone to care so deeply about. I did a lot of things to fuck that up, and so did she, but I hadn't really comprehended that I was feeling that absence until today, when I realized I had it again, and that it was holding me up in a way I hadn't been upheld since we drifted apart that last time - since the first first Friday that I wasn't at Fire & Ice.
And now this feeling is back, albeit different than it was, and between that and the sage utterances of Fr. Guido, I figured out what one of my fears was. It was something I'd only ever applied to Em, but I see that it goes for the whole of my future:
My fear is that I won't have friends if I'm a priest. Not normal, going to hang out, for-god's-sake-let-us-sit-upon-the-ground kind of friends the way I have now. I love that the Dominicans are a brotherhood, but I'm worried that people won't be friends with someone like me.
Well, I guess it's just another one for the list.
-Ej
I realized what I had been missing in my life before this. There was a joy, and I know that for many of you who remember some of the things that happened this will sound perverse or insane, but it was Emily. Having a best friend - someone to care so deeply about. I did a lot of things to fuck that up, and so did she, but I hadn't really comprehended that I was feeling that absence until today, when I realized I had it again, and that it was holding me up in a way I hadn't been upheld since we drifted apart that last time - since the first first Friday that I wasn't at Fire & Ice.
And now this feeling is back, albeit different than it was, and between that and the sage utterances of Fr. Guido, I figured out what one of my fears was. It was something I'd only ever applied to Em, but I see that it goes for the whole of my future:
My fear is that I won't have friends if I'm a priest. Not normal, going to hang out, for-god's-sake-let-us-sit-upon-the-ground kind of friends the way I have now. I love that the Dominicans are a brotherhood, but I'm worried that people won't be friends with someone like me.
Well, I guess it's just another one for the list.
-Ej
